Crossroads
by Michelle JAMES
Summary: Re-post. John makes a choice, not without some consequences. R&R please.
1. Boston

** Crossroads **  
by Michelle JAMES © Copyright 2000 

  
DISCLAIMERS : all the characters belong to NBC, even if NBC doesn't deserve to own such incredible characters ... And I don't get any benefit from this.  
RATING : I don't think there are any shocking words. Are there ?  
WARNING : I am a Believer so this is SJR. Maybe a little long but really SJR !! Just stay tuned ...  


This story happens before FTX but Nathan is not here. Not that I don't like him but I didn't know what to do with him so …… As for Coop, I don't like him but he is a good pretext sometimes … I hope it won't shock too many of you but I can't write without some music and I took the liberty to insert some words extracted from songs I like and that, of course, suit to the storyline - I hope !! 

* * *

_  
I'm standing at the crossroads  
There are many roads to take  
But I stand here so silently  
For fear of a mistake  
One road leads to paradise  
One road leads to pain  
One road leads to freedom  
But they all look the same  
/.../_  


_Calvin RUSSEL, 'Crossroads',  Sounds from the fourth world _

***  
Atlanta  
Friday, 6:00 am  
VCTF Headquarters  


As every morning, John was already sat behind his desk. The last few weeks, he had always been the first arrived at the VCTF, even before Bailey, hoping he could catch up with the paperwork. Since Nathan had been gone and Bailey had had more and more responsibilities, John had became "Mister paperwork" replaced by Coop out in the field. And John was utterly sick of this situation, feeling more than ever alone and abandoned. By his best friend, by his boss … even more by Sam.  
Sam.  
If only he could erase her of his mind. He tried several times but there was no way. His heart would never stop beating for her. It did since day one and it hurt, every beat was a torture. John was really in love with her. For the first time in his life, he did love a woman. He fought it a long time, knowing it would only meant pain and the pain hit him hard, watching Coop settle in their life, in her heart, and then in his seat in the Command Center. 

Maybe Coop was a nice guy, and a good agent, but he was with Sam and he didn't deserve her. As a matter of fact, John thought nobody deserved her. The competitiveness between both men was obvious - maybe except for Sam - and lead Bailey to his decision to keep John off the field. John was not kind of a man who gives up easily, he rather fought with his heart and soul to get what he wanted, no matter the cost. And yet, he seemed to back off, no more able to face her without wanting to scream. Then, despite his strong and truly love for her, he knew there was no more place for him.

As if on clue, an old friend of his had called a few days before to propose him the head of the Criminal Department at the Boston PD. Right in the center of his father's empire … and of the target. The decision was not an easy one to take so he decided he needed some time to think about it. Leaving Sam actually was not so easy and this place in the Boston PD was undoubtedly a very dangerous one. Yet also probably the best chance he would never have again to catch his father and revenge.

***  
5:30 pm  
VCTF headquarters  


A new case of murder had been reported that morning near Atlanta. After the usual briefing, Bailey sent Sam, Coop and Grace on the crime scene to begin the investigation. Bailey could see the anger into John's eyes and this did comfort him in his decision to take him off the field for a while, at least until he would regain his nerves. But if he acknowledged John's state of mind, he missed Coop's arrogance towards John, wearing kind of a sadistic smile as he left.

Time to decide. John finished the daily paperwork then made a call. Putting down the receiver, he picked up a white sheet of paper from the drawer and sighed heavily. At the end of the day, he brought them to Bailey.

Bailey didn't bother to read them but as John didn't seem to leave, he glanced at the white envelope on the top. He looked at john warily : "What's that John ?" Of course Bailey knew what it meant.

John, who was watching the ground, looked up to answer : "You know exactly what it is. I quit Bailey." 

"Out of question John, I refuse. We need you here." Bailey stated, taking out the letter of the envelope, ready to rip it in half. 

"Look, Bailey, I don't want nor need your consent. I decided to leave. I didn't accept to enter the VCTF in the first place to do the paperwork. I am a field cop. And, apparently, Coop does the job very well ..." He trailed off.

"That's because of Coop ? John, don't be stupid ..." But John didn't let him finish. 

"With or without Coop, it's obvious I don't have my place in the team anymore." He said dryly. 

Bailey looked straight in John's eyes a few seconds then continued. " Is it because of Sam ?" 

John slightly panicked : "What ? Bailey ..." 

"John", he cut him, "I know you have feelings for her, don't lie to me." 

John closed his eyes briefly then sighed deeply, sitting. When he reopened them, he looked Bailey in the eye. "I do have feelings for Sam, I can't deny it. And I don't. Very strong feelings ... even maybe love, I don't know exactly. Anything it is it scares me, and it hurts. Go away would help me forget Sam. That's true I thought it would be better. For both of us." He paused. "But it is not the only reason. I have been proposed to become the head of the criminal department in the Boston PD. And I have already accepted."

Silence fell between both men in the office. As John was fidgeting in his chair, Bailey stared at the letter long seconds before speaking again. 

"So you really are leaving ? Boston." He paused. "I guess I can't do anything but let you go, even if it's difficult, for me as it will be for everyone when I tell them."

"Bailey, can I ask you one last favor ?" John asked giving him back his badge and his gun. 

"Sure." Bailey said. 

"For the moment everybody's out or busy. I would like you not to tell them until Monday. It is not quite easy to go you know, and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle 'Good byes' right now. Just give me some time and then as soon as I can I will tell you how to reach me. And, please, don't tell them where I go. Not now." 

Bailey seemed to hesitate. Seeing kind of a silent plea in John's eyes, he agreed. "Okay but don't you dare forget us ! And whenever you change your mind, if you do, you can come back here. Alright ?" 

"Alright. Thanks Bailey, for everything." 

They quickly hugged each other then John turned to leave the office. He grabbed his jacket, his keys and some papers at his desk. He headed straight to the parking lot, not wanting to have to face Sam after what he had just said and done. He knew she wouldn't like this and he would have liked to say 'good bye' at least but it was too hard and it seemed to be the best solution.

Driving towards his apartment, he passed Sam and Coop's car. John and Sam looked at each other trough the windshield. Sam didn't know then it was the last time she would see him.

***  
Monday, 9:00 a.m.  
VCTF headquarters  


Sam and Coop came together in the command center to attend the everyday briefing. Sam instantly saw on Bailey's face something was wrong. As she sat, she realized John was not here and she joked, grinning : 

"John's again late ?" 

"No", Bailey dropped the word calmly, his voice a little rough feeling suddenly uneasy. 

Sam began to worry : "Has something happened to John ?" 

Bailey could read the concern on everyone's face. Except maybe on Coop's. 

"He has resigned", he said simply. 

Surprise hit them all. Sam couldn't believe it : " Why?", she could hear her own voice shaking a little. Coop covered her hand with his in comfort.

"He has his reasons Sam," answered Bailey, "now let's turn to our case. George ?" 

*** 

John barely managed to sleep of the whole week end. He left Atlanta as fast as he could but he couldn't help, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling of his hotel room. God knows he had seen many hotel rooms in his life, maybe too much. John didn't think he would see another one like this so soon.

He knew he had to get some rest, the coming days would be very long and tough. A new job, new people and a too famous town for his taste. Inside him he was really excited. It was there, right in Boston, that he would have the best chances to catch his father. Just thinking about it made his heartbeat increase. Thinking about his mother and his revenge. It increased even more as, suddenly, he pictured Sam in his mind. He was excited and he felt sad. Even sore. Like empty. Closing his eyes and shaking slowly his head, he softly whispered her name. 'Sam'. He finally fell asleep and got to sleep a few hours. 

When he got up, it was still dark outside. He took a long shower to drain anxiety off his body and his mind. He almost drunk an entire pot of coffee then went to work. In the doorway, he stopped in front of the mirror._ 'I don't look so bad after all' _ he said to his reflection. He put on his jacket, grabbed his keys then left his room. He tried to not think during the trip to the Boston PD. Nothing at all. Neither Sam nor his father. Not a easy task but he succeeded somewhat to empty his mind just before entering what would be his new 'home', his new 'life' in a way.

There was already a turmoil in there. And so it reminded him of the VCTF, comfortless though. 

***  
Atlanta  
VCTF headquarters  


The team didn't have too much information on the new case they were working on then. Except this case, life seemed to have slowed down at the VCTF and that did leave too much time for Sam to think. To think about what was obviously missing, or 'who' was missing.

Sam was sat at her desk trying in vain to work on some new information they had just got. She couldn't help watching the now empty desk which was John's one. Not even the presence of Coop by her side. He watched her for a while then :

"Sam? what's wrong?" 

She didn't say a word. He put his hand on her left arm. 

"Sam, talk to me." 

She suddenly turned her head, looking at him eyes wide opened. 

"Talk to me Sam. Please." 

She still looked at him, totally lost and confused. Coop would have preferred not to ask because he hated this idea but he knew too well that Sam missed John. A lot. Finally Sam talked.

"It's okay Coop. I ... I am sorry. I was ... elsewhere" she answered, waving slightly her hand in the air. 

Coop didn't add anything so they turned their attention back to the case. 

It was only five days he had gone and yet it seemed to be months for Sam. 

***  
Boston 

Already five days had passed and he had so many things to do. 

Considering where he was and where he worked, everything was going well for John. Except maybe the three guys who were following him everywhere, every time. John had always known it would be like this, even in Atlanta he knew someone somewhere was spying on him. And in a way it was a good thing. It was the evidence that his father knew he was here in Boston, for him.

However, even if things were going alright, he had to be careful. The first days and weeks would always seem to be easy going but for John it was different. His father's dogs could be everywhere, even - and particularly - inside the Boston PD. John had immediately realized he could not trust anyone there if he wanted to have a chance at catching his father. He had to choose the right guys to do the right things at the right moment, and this required time. Just be patient, the day would come.

The problem was that to be patient was not as easy to do as it seemed, mainly when his heart tore at every instant as he recognized a place, overheard a name or thought of his childhood with his mother ... or when he thought about Sam. It seemed he had managed to keep her out of his mind for some time but he had to confess : there was no way he could get rid of her or stop thinking of her. He needed some time for sure. But not too much or else his new colleagues would be bound to arrest him for killing an innocent ... unless he killed himself first.

***  
Atlanta  
VCTF headquarters  


Work seemed to have find again its usual rhythm. Still, Bailey - as well as the rest of the team - could see that Sam haven't managed to handle John's leaving yet. An entire month then had passed but she couldn't and Bailey decided he needed to have a talk with her. Maybe this time he would tell her where John was. He already had refused to tell her the twenty times she had asked him in respect of his promise. But it was a month before then.

As it often happened during the day, Sam was staring into empty space, thinking about John. About what he was doing, where … wondering if he was still alive. At that moment, her heart did a twinge which startled her. John was a good friend of hers. The best one in fact. So it was normal she missed him. But did she have to miss him so much? Why suddenly did she need him? She couldn't understand. The feeling was so strong although she knew she had Coop by her side. It was as if her heart was incomplete. Her heart and her soul. That thought scared the hell out of her. She feared she might have well recognized what it was and she was not sure she really wanted to accept it now he was gone … even if, before that, she would not have accepted it either.

She sighed heavily closing her eyes then whispered : "Oh my god." 

She slowly stood, straighten her skirt then went straight to Bailey's office, resolved to know. 

While approaching she could see he was on the phone but she didn't want to back off so she headed toward his desk without knocking on the door. She didn't want to wait either :

"Where is he ?" 

Bailey looked up to see Sam standing in front of his desk, her arms folded over her chest in a stubborn gesture to show she would not take 'I don't know' as an answer anymore.

"Ah ... I call you back later if you don't mind. Thank you." He put back the receiver staring at her silently. 

"Bailey. Tell me. Where is he ? I have to know ..." She couldn't finish. 

"Why?" Seeing her bewildered expression he repeated : "Why? Why do you want to know?" 

Surprise and uneasiness crept in her eyes and on her face. She hesitated a little before answering. 

"Listen, Bailey, John was my best friend. With you of course, it is not the matter. You should understand I need him in a way. And, this time, please, tell me. I know you know even though you told me you didn't. "

She stood, her behavior showing her stubbornness was still there and that she would not leave until he said what she wanted to hear. Bailey grinned at her.

"Fine" he said shifting in his seat, "you want to know? He is in Boston." 

She remained silent a few seconds then repeated under her breath : "Boston ...", staring at the carpet. 

"He comes from there remember ? He is back home Sam." He paused. "Now that you know, what does it change for you ?" 

She was still looking at the ground. " Home ...", she whispered. A few more seconds had passed when she looked up at Bailey. "I have to see him. Can you give me one day or two?" She spoke quickly.

He watched her seriously trying to read her mind. " Is there something you aren't telling me and I should know?" 

"I ... I don't know yet. I have to see him. Just give me some time, okay?" She smiled slightly. 

Bailey seemed to hesitate but how could he resist? 

"Alright. Go. But just one day or two and I want you to keep me informed every two hours, get it ?" 

She sighed in relief and in annoyance before his cautiousness but inside her she understood his worry. "I will. Thanks a lot Bailey." She gave him a last smile then went back to her office.

***  
Boston  
In a dark back street  


"Okay guys. Let's go. Billy, you take Rob and check the back door. Jimmy and Chuck on the roof. Rory you stay with me." 

John glanced at his watch. " Three minutes." 

John already had his gun tightly held in his hand. He exhaled deeply once, feeling a little nervous but hiding it. He looked at the young cop in front of him. He was barely 22 and reminded him of himself when he had begun to work as a cop.

"You stay behind me and you cover me, okay ?" Rory nodded, swallowing. 

John counted in a low voice : " 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ..." 

He kicked the door open then rushed inside the building. 

"Freeze !! Boston PD, you're all under arrest !!" 

They really were surprised, only one of them thought of grabbing his gun then he aimed it at John. Of course, John was ready and he shot the man in the arm before he could do anything. After the gun shot, the rest of John's team came as back up. They handcuffed everybody and brought them to the Boston PD headquarters.

Everything so far happened as he had planned. John felt relieved and proud. Then he just had to wait. It was 2:00 a.m. but he didn't want to sleep. He could feel the adrenaline still running in his body. He sat at his desk, put up his feet and leaned his head back to relax. Finally he fell asleep for a few hours.

He was suddenly awoken. "John !! What the hell is that ?!" 

John jumped from his chair, nearly falling. Looking up he saw McGuire - his boss - standing in front of him. 

"What's what ?" he asked sleepily. He shook his head quickly to keep his eyes open. 

"What's what ?!" he asked John putting his hands on his hips, "You arrested 8 people tonight without even thinking you should inform me. And you used people under MY responsibility without asking me if you ..."

"Okay stop it !" John cut him. "I am sorry for all that but you know it was the only solution to find and arrest them. O' Doyle's guys can be everywhere. We had to surprise them. And it is exactly what we have done." 

McGuire sighed. "Yeah, you must be right." 

"You know I am." 

"Yes, but still : I'm your boss and if you want to keep your ass safe, you'd better learn to inform me of your every move. Understood?"

John nodded. McGuire then asked :" So, what now?" 

Staring into empty space John answered : "We wait. We wait until the end of the week. I don't think O' Doyle will appreciate it. He'll do something. If not, we do it again."

***  
Atlanta  
At the fire house  


Sam was packing when Angel came back to the fire house, Coop just behind her. She hardly noticed their being there, deeply lost in her thoughts. 

"Sam, what are you doing ?" began Angel. 

She carried on packing and didn't even look up at them while talking. "I have an assignment, I have to go. It won't be long, one or two days. Could you take care of Chloe?" 

"You don't have any assignment Sam", Coop stated dryly. 

This got Sam to stop packing but she didn't say a word nor looked at him. 

"You are going to find him aren't you?" 

Angel began to really feel uneasy and decided it was time for her to withdraw. "Alright ... I should leave you two alone. I'm going to see Chloe."

Sam still didn't speak nor looked up. 

"Sam, please, look at me and tell me I'm wrong." Coop took a few steps closer. 

She closed briefly her eyes then looked straight in his eyes for the first time since he had entered the house. "I'm sorry Coop. I have to see him, I need to ..." 

He cut her. "Why do you need him. You have me", he added in a whisper taking another step closer. 

She turned back to her back and finished packing. "You can't understand." 

Then she went to kiss good bye Chloe. Coming back into the living room, she saw Coop was still standing in the middle of the room waiting for some explanation she guessed. But she passed him without a look, grabbed her bag and headed toward the elevator. Coop followed her into.

"You love him don't you?" 

She could hear the hurt in his voice. She didn't want to hurt him of course, but he couldn't understand she had to go. "I don't know yet Coop. That's why I need to see him. I'm sorry." She added honestly.

"Can't you just give him a call?" He came closer but she pushed him back to the other side of the elevator. The door opened. "It's not a conversation you can have on the phone." She said as she stepped out.

Coop grabbed her arm to oblige her to look into his eyes. "If you get into that car, I leave. Your choice." 

She remained silent a moment. Taking back her arm from his grip : "Good luck then." 

She got into the cab and headed toward the airport, leaving Coop behind. She hoped she had made the right decision. She sure had. 

***  
Boston  
Somewhere, in a warehouse  


"So what do we do? He caught Sean and Mark. We have to do something or else ..." 

"No." The voice was calm but authoritative. It came from a man with familiar blue eyes. "That is exactly what he wants us to do. We have to prevent him from finding us. We'll take him by surprise. He thinks we'll try to free Sean and Mark but we won't. Not now."

The old man paused. "Call O' Connor and tell him I have something for him." 

*** 

Sam had glanced at her watch for the third time since she had sat in her seat on the plane. Only ten minutes had passed. It seemed to her it had been an eternity. And it remained thirty minutes until she landed in Boston.

She couldn't help thinking of John and her feelings for this man. Was this really a good idea? What would she say once in front of him? She didn't even know exactly why she was in this plane. Looking out by the porthole she remembered what Coop had said in the elevator. 'You love him don't you?' She had finally admitted since he had left she did care a lot about him. At first she tried to convince herself she missed him so much because he was her best friend. Because he had always been there when she had needed him. But in the end she would have to accept there was something beyond a mere friendship or being a co-worker. But love … After Tom's death and with Jack's threat she wasn't sure she would ever be ready to allow herself to love. She had left Coop behind to see John but she couldn't assess what exactly were her feelings for him. 'I must be insane' she said to herself with a sigh.

She closed her eyes and tried to relax before landing. Once outside the airport and ready to get into a cab she realized she didn't think of asking Bailey for John's address. So she went to the Boston PD.

In front of the building she couldn't enter. She hesitated then decided she needed a little walk so as to gather her thoughts. As she was walking on the sidewalk staring at the sky just above the roofs she bumped into a man. She muttered an apology and looked up at the man. 

"John !" 

He stared at her slightly in shock. He was incredibly happy to see her albeit surprised but he was mostly worried about the timing. He glanced at the men behind her then back at her.

"Uh ... I'm sorry. You've made a mistake I think." He didn't let her time to answer. "Sorry." Then he left glancing behind her one last time.

She couldn't believe it. She came to Boston to see him and he went away without any explanation. Suddenly it hit her. He must have had trouble. She couldn't see any other reasons. Just then, she was jostled by two other men apparently in a hurry too. They didn't even apologize. She stood in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at the back of John's leather jacket then realized the two men who had jostled her were just behind him. 

"Oh my God ..." she whispered as she began to follow the three of them. John definitely was in trouble and she decided she would help him if she could. At least she would ask for an explanation.

A few minutes later, John entered a building. The men continued up to a small street just beside the building. She hesitated then entered the building too._ 'It must be where John lives' _she thought and looked for his name. Finally she found it and then she headed toward the stairway. She went up quickly the stairs, her heart beat increasing rapidly, even more since she had heard the entrance door close and foot steps in the stairway. In front of his door she feared they might have followed here and she might have made a mistake. She knocked on the door.

John, still his jacket on and visibly nervous, looked in the peep hole and sighed. "No Sam ... Not now." He opened the door. 

"Listen, I'm sorry but I told you it was a mistake. I'm not who you think I am." As he quickly watched around in the lobby, he spotted a man and cursed in silence.

Sam acknowledged John's nervousness. It really was not good. Without truly thinking, she grabbed the collar of his jacket and pulled him down to kiss him. While kissing she pushed him back inside the apartment and slammed the door shut. Once inside, they carried on a while, more tenderly. Then John broke the kiss - not willingly - and brought them to reality.

"What the hell are you doing here Sam ! You can't stay !" He pulled her toward the window. "You have to leave." 

Sam stared at him and it suddenly hit her she must have been in a messy situation. And so must have been John. As he turned back to Sam he saw the expression on her face and his softened.

"I'm sorry Sam. I'm happy to see you, frankly. But it is too dangerous right here right now. You shouldn't have followed me." He said, worry obvious on his face, as he put his hands on both her shoulders. 

"I've figured that, a little too late. What's going on John ?" 

She hardly had time to finish when the door cracked violently and six men entered the room. John urged Sam to get away by the fire escape but two men caught her before she could reach the window. John tried to hold back the others to allow her to escape but when he saw them catch her, he knocked them out. In vain. He and Sam were largely outnumbered and John couldn't prevent another man from putting some chloroform on her face as he was hit in the head with a club by another man. He tried to stand up but the man hit again. John fell again on the floor and slipped unconscious.

** End of part one **

  



	2. Closure

**Part two**  


  
***  
_  
/.../  
I've traveled many roads  
And not all of them were good  
The foolish ones taught more to me  
Than the wise ones ever could  
One road leads to sacrifice  
One road leads to shame  
One road leads to freedom  
But they all look the same  
/.../  
_

Calvin RUSSEL, 'Crossroads',Sounds from the fourth world  


***  
Boston  
Somewhere, in a warehouse  


"O' Connor's here." 

"Let him in." 

O' Connor entered, a satisfied smile on his face. 

"He is here. But not alone. He was with a woman when we caught him. They seem to be close so we brought her too." 

After a long and lethal silence, O' Doyle spoke slowly. 

"Okay. Maybe we will need her. But no hurt. We only want what John exactly knows, and maybe she knows that too. Get it?" 

"Sounds like a little revenge for me" O' Connor whispered. 

Indeed, two years before, John had killed O' Connor's little brother, Seamus, while he was working for the Atlanta PD. Seamus was involved in a bank robbery. He had killed two officers during the operation but John, excellent marksman, didn't let him a chance to escape.

***  


Sam woke up slowly. She didn't remember having had such an headache, ever. She scanned the room then realized John was there too and the previous events began to come to her mind. She was sat on a chair, wrists and ankles tied up. She checked on John who was laying on the floor, his wrists tied up as well behind his back. The blow on his head was bleeding, not alarmingly but he was still unconscious and Sam began to worry. She decided to try to awake him.

"John ..." she called softly. 

"John." She repeated louder as he stirred. 

"John, you have to wake up. Open your eyes." 

She heard a groan as he shook his head. He finally opened his eyes and looked around him, trying to remember what happened and where he was. Then he saw her. 

"Sam ... Are you okay?" He asked hoarsely. 

"I'm fine John." 

He let out a sigh of relief then tried to sit against the wall. He stared at the floor, avoiding Sam's questioning look. 

"John, what's going on? Who are they?" 

John remained silent and kept his eyes down. He knew he would have to explain but he was not sure he could handle it then. 

"John", she said softly, "I think I have the right to know." 

He leaned up his head against the wall, closed his eyes and sighed. 

"It is ... complicated, Sam. Really." He paused. 

All of a sudden, the door opened and reveled O' Connor and his goons. John jumped on is feet to face him. They were staring at each other so intensely that Sam could feel the tension between both men and see a similar anger inside their eyes.

O' Connor gestured his left hand and the two other guys grabbed John by behind, holding tightly his arms to prevent him from moving, and let his chest unprotected.

John knew what they wanted. He also knew how they would get the information. 

"It's good to see you again John" O' Connor began while coming closer to John. 

John slightly smiled then looked straight in O' Connor's eyes. "I can see subtlety is definitely not a quality in your family."

O' Connor's anger grew inside him and he threw his fist into John's chest. He knocked the wind out of John and he began to kneel but the two guys behind straightened him. He hardly winced. He didn't want to give O' Connor any satisfaction.

Sam had briefly closed her eyes and realized at her turn what would come next. Her heartbeat fastened and tears began to form in her eyes. She had quickly learnt that stubbornness concerning John Grant was an euphemism. And then she acknowledged he would prefer to be beaten to death rather than tell them what they wanted to hear. She tried to find John's look to convince him to give up but deep inside she realized it was a dead hope so she decided she would try to support him if he minded to look at her. At that moment, he was too busy challenging O' Connor, his gaze never leaving his.

O' Connor breathed slowly to calm down a little. 

" I thought you would have changed ... But I can see an O' Doyle stays an O' Doyle !" 

_'An O' Doyle? _Sam wondered as she stared at John trying to read his mind. All that could be seen was his anger. At the mention of this name he tried to move toward O' Connor but the two jerks still held him tight.

"Wow, Johnny ... keep cool !" O' Connor was grinning. "I suppose you know why you're here" he said as he was pacing in front of John. John had closed his eyes to hide his lost of nerves but Sam could see his jaw tightening to the max.

O' Connor stopped pacing and put on a brass knuckle. Then he began. 

"So, Johnny Boy, why did you come back to Boston?" 

"To kick your ass as I kicked your brother's?" he answered with a cocky tone mirroring O' Connor using his stupid nickname. O' Connor couldn't wait longer and hit John, twice, in his side. John couldn't hold back his cry and he fell on his knees. He flinched when they put him up again on his feet.

Sam gasped and closed her eyes. She wasn't sure she could bear to see this. Her heart was hurting. Finally, she reopened her eyes and looked at John. Their look found themselves naturally. And if John could see pain and worry in hers, Sam could read shame and sorry in his. As if he apologized._'She didn't deserve to attend that' _he thought.

O' Connor stared at John and slowly put his gaze on her. Then he looked back at John. He came a little closer to him and whispered : " Beautiful your girlfriend. She doesn't deserve you ..."

And suddenly John's heart was wrapped in fear at the thought of what he could do to her. 

"If you don't want to talk, maybe she ..." but John didn't let him finish. 

"Don't touch her bastard, or else ..." O' Connor turned back to face him and cut him, laughing. 

"Or else you what?" He became serious again." You're not exactly in the position to tell me what to do." 

John avoided Sam's look and focused on O' Connor's. "She is not my girlfriend. Besides she has nothing to do in our business. Let her go."

O' Connor backhanded hard John then punched him. He fell on his knees again but O' Connor ordered his guys to let him. 

"Do you think I'm an idiot? Who do you want to believe such a bad lie?" 

John didn't respond immediately. He had difficulties to breathe and to focus. He had lost blood and was no longer very sharp. 

"She doesn't know anything. Let her go ..." He couldn't finish his sentence as O' Connor kicked him in the back. John clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. He was hurting more and more. This had to stop or he would pass out, he could already see black little spots forming before his eyes.

O' Connor looked at Sam who was crying silently, then back at John who was trying to stand up. O' Connor shook slowly his head. 

"Johnny Boy" he paused, " You will never be able to protect your women, won't you? Too bad you're so coward, when your mother ..." 

That was the extreme provocation and John suddenly threw himself into O' Connor, slamming him against the wall. Quickly the two guys held him back again. 

Sam had never seen so much anger in John's eyes when O' Connor mentioned his mother. It was as if he would have killed him with his bare hands if he had been able to. She saw anger and pain. An incredible pain. She let escape another tear.

O' Connor pushed himself off the wall and sighed. "Johnny, really, you're a bad boy !" He glanced at his right hand with the brass knuckle then back at John. "You caught Sean and Mark. I guess you won't answer if I ask you what's the next step? Or if I ask you what you exactly know?" He had a smile with a hint of sadism while talking.

John regained some composure and straightened enough to look directly in O' Connor's eyes. Then he clenched his teeth to show he wouldn't say anything. O' Connor smiled and muttered something, expressing his satisfaction, obviously taking a great pleasure in the situation. Unlike Sam. She closed her eyes at John's reaction. She didn't want to see this. She only could heard the repeated sound of O' Connor beating up John and that was enough for her. She cried again, harder, hurting inside.

Finally John fell on his knees under his batterer's blows, his eyes closed. He still didn't want to show him any sign of pain. No, he didn't want to. He breathed deeply, trying to ignore the pain it caused but failed. O' Connor pulled him up and hit him once with his knee in the stomach. John was bound to let escape a shout and O' Connor hit again. That time, he let John lying on the floor. He motioned one guy out of the room then stared at John.

"Your father's right. You're weak. Hard to believe you're his son. He doesn't deserve you." Sam saw John's hands tightened, his knuckles turning white. "You'll see him soon."

He grabbed the bottle of water the man had brought back and put it down newt to Sam. He turned toward John. "Clean you up a little to face your father." Then he turned back to Sam and untied her.

On his way to leave the room, he stopped before John and kicked him hard a last time then went out. Sam didn't dare to move until she heard the sound of the door lock then she hurried by John's side. He was lying on his back, trying to stay awake but he was in such a big pain. Sam gently rolled him on his side to untie him. He didn't say anything, just rubbed his sore wrists. Sam could hear how difficult it was for him to simply breathe.

"Oh my God, John ... you look like hell." She said softly as she was stroking his hair. 

He had kept his eyes closed. He suddenly opened them when he felt warm drops falling on his face. Sam was crying. 

"Sam ... No ... Don't cry ..." He put his hand on her cheek and brushed away the tears. He tried to sit up. He wanted so much to hold her in his arms and comfort her. But he failed and fell back down, wincing. He hated to see her like this, especially that time it was because of him and he would never forgive himself for that. 

"Don't move John." She managed to say between two sobs. She gently put her hand on his chest and John closed his eyes. He soon let himself sink into darkness.

Sam watch him a while, listening to the rhythm of his breath, broken by pain. She took the bottle of water, drank some of it then moistened her handkerchief. Carefully she cleaned up the blood on his face, his neck then cleansed the blow near his temple. He looked a little better. And yet, Sam was more and more worried about him. O' Connor's words were still turning inside her head. _'Who is John's fathe? What kind of father could do that to his own son? And why did he call John O' Doyle?'_ She came there to get answers to her questions but she finally had more and more to ask. Sam was discovering John under a new light. She has always known how strong and proud he was. He didn't show his pain. He never did. And even this time he hid it deep inside. Not even once she saw a single tear begin to form in his eyes from pain or anger.

Suddenly she was interrupted in her thoughts as she heard him moan. It seemed he was calling his mother in his sleep. She cupped his cheek with one hand and put the other on his shoulder.

"John, wake up." She called softly. He slowly turned his head then flinched from the pain coming back. "It's just a dream John, open your eyes." She said caressing his cheek. His eyes locked with hers and he smiled weakly.

"You really are an angel, aren't you?" 

She smiled back at him but it faded quickly. John could easily see worry again in her expression. There was also questioning then. He began to sat up. It hurt too much so Sam helped him against the wall. They didn't move nor speak for a moment. John knew Sam was going to ask too many questions to his taste. He spoke first.

"What are you doing in Boston Sam?" They stared at each other in silence. John tried to read her mind but he couldn't. So many feelings were showing on her face.

"I came to see you. But I guess I didn't choose the best moment …" John cut her. 

"You didn't answer me. You know that. We are talking about you for once, not me." 

Sam narrowed her eyes. _'What did he want to hear from me ?'_she thought. John was kicking himself. _'Geez, Grant, what are you thinking? That she came here because she cares for you?'_

"Sorry, Sam. Forget it." He paused then whispered "I'm sorry." 

"For what ?" 

"Sam, look at you. Look at me ... Isn't that good enough a reason?" He had a hint of a smile. "You should not be here. You should not have come." 

Sam looked down at the floor. "I needed to" she whispered. John had to lean closer to hear her. She looked up, her face just a few inches from his. "We need to talk John."

She wished she could explain him what she felt, how much she cared but before dealing with her feelings - and his, she decided she had to clear the situation. And she needed to do it then, afraid she might never have another opportunity to ask him all she had always wanted to ask.

"Sam ..." John sighed. He had hoped she would let it go for a while. She didn't let him finish. 

"No John. I think I deserve an explanation. What's going on John? Who are they?" She paused. "Why did he call you O' Doyle?" 

He smiled. "The Spanish Inquisition again?" She silenced him with a look. John frowned. Too many questions and she didn't seem to find it funny. He didn't answer.

"John, please. Talk to me." She put her hand on his arm. "You know you can trust me." 

Of course he knew. She was probably the only person he could trust to tell the whole story. The only one she cared about enough to tell therefore the only one he was really afraid to talk to. 

"It is complicated Sam. And long." 

"It seems we have some time for us." 

He breathed deeply, slightly wincing. He didn't know where to start. He had never talked anyone about that. Beyond his body's ache, he felt a sharp pain in his heart.

"I have a big confession to make Sam. A huge one." She remained silent, never leaving his eyes. "Grant is not my real name. I … I was born Jonathan O' Doyle, the O' Doyle of the Boston's mob."

She frowned when she heard the word 'mob'. Keeping his eyes closed, John carried on. 

"My father is the famous ... well, too famous, Patrick O' Doyle." 

"Oh ... I see." She let out. She couldn't say anything else but she could tell it was very hard for him to confess it and in the same way to admit it.

"Yeah ... O' Connor - the tallest guy - is his right-hand man. He seeks a revenge because two years ago I killed his little brother during a robbery while I was in the Atlanta PD. A week ago we caught some important members of O' Doyle's team. You can imagine he didn't really appreciate it. This is why we are here. Even if I think you were not part of the initial plan ..." he trailed off.

Sam was trying to absorb the information. Sure this was an answer to her questions however it only raised more questions. And looking at John again she realized how much anger was eating him up inside. She had missed it until that moment. She also realized how tired and in pain he was. Maybe she would wait for a better moment to deal with all her remaining questions - and feelings.

"You should try to sleep John. You're weak and you need to rest as much as you can. I guess I should do the same." She added softly.

John smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "You must be right." She was giving in for a while and he felt somewhat relieved. He knew more questions would come, mainly about his father, he could see it on her face when he opened his eyes. Sure he will need some rest to face the situation and to face another conversation with Sam.

They heard the sound of the door lock and a man came in. He was bringing something to eat and a blanket. The man stared at them, then he looked straight into john's eyes. Anger was obviously burning in his gaze but he didn't say a word. He went out slamming the door shut and locked it again.

Sam turn toward John. "Do you know him?" 

John merely shook his head negatively. "No. But I wonder if he is not O' Connor's other little brother. I am not sure but I believe he has got two brothers. He must be the other."

Sam's worry reached another step higher. John's life was really at stake. It really hit her while watching the man._ 'And I didn't know the whole story' _she thought. She stood up and went toward the trey on the floor. Not really appealing but it was better than nothing to eat at all. She turned back to John to give him some of the food but he had already fallen asleep. She put the blanket on him, careful not to wake him then returned to the trey and ate a little. Then she fell asleep in her turn on the floor.

Some time later, John woke up. The pain hit him like a wall as he tried to move then he realized there was a blanket over him. He slowly looked around the room and spotted Sam curled in a ball on the floor. He swallowed with difficulty the lump that was forming in his throat and felt again a sting in his heart. Due to his feelings or to guilt ... surely both. She seemed so fragile, so vulnerable. Each time he witnessed this he acknowledged his feelings, his love and the reason why he was still alive. All he wanted was to protect her. But instead he was threatening her life and he would regret it till his death.

He put off the blanket and stood ever so slowly. It really hurt. He was wondering if he could reach her before passing out again. Finally beside her, he kneeled carefully then he put the blanket on her. He watched her sleep, hesitant. Then he gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as she always did. Feeling his touch she opened her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." he whispered. 

"It's okay." She sat up. "You should keep it" she said holding the blanket in her hands. 

John put it back on her. "I saw you shivering so, better now?" 

She smiled at him. "Yeah." Then a chill traveled her whole body. "Well ... maybe not." She added confused. John returned her smile, still looking at her like hypnotized.

He stood, his back arched because of the pain. He sat against the wall just behind her and pulled her body against his. Sam let herself be drawn into his embrace, not moving afraid she could hurt him. John grimaced from the pain when her body landed softly against his ribs but soon her warmth seemed to ease his pain._ 'She felt so good'_ he thought. He knew he had to sleep and yet he stayed awake to experience every feeling of having her so close, so tenderly. He put his arms around her and Sam let go of her head on his chest, near is neck._ 'I feel safe, at home' _she thought. She could sense his caring and generous soul radiating from his body.

They stayed a while like that. Silent. Just appreciating. Then Sam had to go ahead. She didn't know if it was the right moment - was there a right one ? but she had to ask. At least she could try.

"John." She called softly, her eyes still closed. 

"What ?" 

She seemed to hesitate and John understood she was about to ask. He closed his eyes as well waiting for the question to come. 

"Why do you absolutely want to put your father in jail ? I know he is the head of the mob but he is still your father. And there is so much anger and pain in your eyes when you talk about him. There's something beyond the mob story you're not telling me."

She stopped there and could feel his whole body tense behind her. She was hoping he would accept to talk, that he would not let the walls come again around him.

_'Here we are Grant' _he said to himself. He was assaulted by memories and tried to gather his thoughts. A few minutes passed and he swallowed hard before starting.

"I've never talked to anybody about that you know." He paused and Sam could tell it was hard for him considering how hoarse his voice was. For a moment she feared he might be upset by her question.

"I always had a difficult relationship with my father. He was ... and I guess he still is ... very demanding. I was the only child at home and he did want to have a son. A real son he could be proud of, a son who would look like him. This is how I began practicing boxing, ice hockey, basketball, football ...

Sam put up her head so that she could see his face and looked at him. His eyes still closed, he spoke again. 

"My father is a man of principles. He thought men are to be strong and don't have to show any kind of weakness. He taught me those principles and he was damn good at it. I can tell you. To be sure I had understood, he used to ... beat me up ... roughly ... regularly."

Sam could tell it was really hard for him, she could sense his body shaking, nervous moves were going through it and his voice was husky.

"My mother tried several times to stop him but, she was so fragile and petite. She just couldn't. So she had to watch him hitting me when he didn't beat her up too …" At the end of the sentence his voice cracked a little and he breathed deeply. He still could hear the sounds of the repeating knocks he inflicted her. Sam put her hand on his chest to let him know she was there, with him. She was considering telling him to stop if it was too hard when he opened his eyes to stare at the wall in front of him.

"One day ... I was fourteen ... I came back home as if I was coming back from the hockey game. But I wasn't. I had not been for a week then. Naively I thought and hoped my father wouldn't know." He smirked. "Huge mistake. When I opened the door house, I saw him standing in the middle of the living room, hands on his hips waiting for me. I recognized the anger and the rage in his eyes and I understood what was going to happen. The thing was, I couldn't do anything about it. Just let him do it. The thought that he might like to see me react or answer never crossed my mind. " he paused. "But nobody can fool Patrick O' Doyle. I had given up the hockey game and I had lied to him. He slapped me very hard and I hit the wall then fell on the floor. I began to cry. I know I shouldn't have but I was scared. And that was an obvious sign I was weak and different from him. He was so pissed off, he pulled me up on my feet and hit me ... again and again ..." He trailed off and closed his eyes. He tried to swallow the still growing lump in his throat.

"When my mother came back in her turn, she had just enough time to stop him as he was about to kick me another time. They argued loudly. All I remember after that, I woke up in a hospital bed. Three broken ribs, right arm broken and shoulder dislocated, eye-bone shattered, internal bleeding. Patrick O' Doyle is a man of meticulousness." He paused once again. "I stayed a month in the hospital. But I didn't come back home. Instead, my mother took me far away from him. From then we lived in many different cities, always moving so that he couldn't find us."

Sam was shocked. She had never expected such a story. She never would have imagined his childhood would have been so tough. Watching the deepest she could into his eyes, she was submerged by his pain. And by his anger. She saw him swallowed again with difficulty, still not any tears forming. The story was not over.

"Five years and seven months later, we were living in Seattle, I was home when someone knocked at the door. She had taught me to be careful, that my father could be everywhere. I didn't know who it could be but I did know it was not her. When I opened the door and saw the policeman standing there, I immediately understood why he was there ... I was hurting so much, I hardly listened to him. I just remember he talked about a car wreck ..." 

His voice was slightly shaking however his gaze remained fixed and dry. As well as remained the lump in his throat, like a fishbone. It hurt as well. Tears began to form in Sam's eyes but she didn't say anything.

"Deep inside I know my father killed her, for betraying him and for protecting me I guess ... as he tried to kill me after that. I buried her then I went away ... again but alone ... I traveled a lot : San Francisco, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Raleigh, smaller towns between and finally Atlanta. We decided to change our name and we took Grant just after leaving Boston, in Lancaster. Anger was tearing me up inside and I began street fighting. I was also tired ... Tired of running away, tired of hiding … and I wanted a revenge. Therefore I entered law enforcement. When the ATF refused me, I entered the Atlanta PD. I had only one goal then, to catch him and so make him pay back. I often thought of killing him. I attended courses at the academy to become marksman. It would have been easy but I realized he wasn't worth my risking my life or a career ... mainly I acknowledged I was not like him. I could see his face on every guy I caught. And I still do sometimes. For a long time it seemed the only reason I was still alive was this obsession of catching him. Then I met Bailey and I met you ..." He trailed off.

To remember all these things was really hard. But somewhat he felt a kind of relief. To talk about it had been very difficult but it also lightened his burden in a way. And it was certainly due to the fact it was Sam he had talked to. John looked down at her face and saw her tears, threatening to spill over her cheeks. They just stared at each other intensely. John waited for Sam to say something - she always had something to say. And Sam knew she had to tell him something. But what ? Something … anything else but that awkward silence which had fallen between them.

"John I ... I don't know what to say ..." Her own voice was then husky, barely hiding her emotions. 

His eyebrows raised. "I didn't think I would hear * you * say that one day ..." He quickly became serious again. "You don't have to tell anything. It is the past ... I left all that stuff behind me long ago."

"Are you sure? It seems it still affects you very strongly." Worry could be heard in her words. 

"Yeah ... It is not something you can just forget about. But it's okay. I ... I would like to ask you a favor Sam. You know, I've never told anyone before you so ... It's just between us and I would like it to stay in that way, okay? If people were to know, they would change the way they see me, and I don't want them to. You understand?"

"So why did you tell me ?" She asked softly, suddenly anxious to hear his answer. 

His gaze deepened in hers. "Because I lo... trust you." He hoped she hadn't noticed his little hesitation and that she hadn't guessed what he was about to confess.

Sam simply nodded her head. She knew how hard it was for John to trust someone. And to confess such a big and intimate part of his life required a person you can blindly trust. Inside her heart, she was thankful and happy he had chosen her.

"Sam ?" 

"Mmm ?" 

"Why did you come to Boston? You didn't answer me when I asked you. You just say you came to talk to me and … I know a little, at least enough to know that, even if you love to talk to people face to face, you wouldn't have taken a plane - alone - just to talk to me. By the way, talk about what?"

_'Talk about what? God, if only I knew ..._ she thought. She could tell him Coop was gone. She could also tell him she needed him more than the others do. But it was not exactly the right time nor the right place. A small lie couldn't hurt. 

"John, we miss you. The VCTF is not the same without you." 

Warmth filled his heart at first. But soon he remembered the last weeks he had passed there. 

"You don't need me anymore Sam. You seem to work pretty well without me." 

Sam wasn't sure but there was a hint of hurt in his voice._ '* You * , was he talking about me, just me or the whole team ?' _she wondered. 

"We need you John." She paused. "I need you" she whispered. She looked up at him grinning. "Nobody teases me or makes me laugh now you're gone. You're my best friend John."

John wished to believe her. Truly. Her best friend, of course, but he did want so much more. 

"What about Coop?" 

Sam lowered her gaze and bit her bottom lip. Ooops. "Well ... Uh ... He ..." 

'Great! Grant, you're a jerk ! Now fix it.' He cut her. "Tell you what? When this whole thing is over, I'll take you to the best restaurant I know here. And then we'll have plenty of time to talk." He proposed, looking directly in her eyes.

She smiled at him. "Sounds good to me." 

"Now we should try to get some rest. We'll need it." John said pulling her closer gently. 

He mainly would need it. He hid his pain to not worry her more but he was really hurting and he didn't know how long he could be able to bear it. He closed his eyes and fell quickly sound asleep.

Sam let herself be drawn closer. Her heart was beating faster and faster. And yet this time it was not due to the closure of John's body. Her heart was wrapped in fear. Sam knew fairly well how hurt was John and that he wouldn't endure it forever. This had to stop soon. She closed her eyes. She was afraid. Afraid she may not have the time to tell him all she wanted - no, needed to say. Afraid he wouldn't get out of this alive. Even maybe none of them. Her eyes filled with tears and she held him tighter then drifted into sleep.

**End of part two**

  



	3. Hardness

**Part three**  


  
***  
_  
/.../  
In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from your wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of an angel  
May you find some comfort here  
/.../  
_

Sarah Mc Lachlan, 'Angel', Fumbling towards ecstasy  


***  
Atlanta  
VCTF Headquarters, Bailey's office  


"... Sorry, Dr Samantha Waters ..." Bailey slipped off his cell phone with anger. It was the fifth time he tried to call Sam that day. Angel had told him she was gone. Bailey of course knew where she was but he was beginning to worry. It was not a habit of Sam to let her cell phone off such a long time. He was even more worried that he couldn't reach John either. And nobody in Boston knew where he was. All they could say to Bailey was that he might be in trouble because of recent arrests within the O' Doyle's mob. Bailey shook slowly his head and sighed. He should not have let her go there. He had hesitated but he couldn't have been able to refuse it to her. He looked at his watch. 10 hours. It remained 10 hours before he could organize searches to find her. And maybe to find John too. He gathered George and Grace in the command center. He told Grace to stay in Atlanta to coordinate things and take care of the VCTF in interim. George would go with him. There was no doubt Bailey would need the 'hacker' and his computer.

***  
Boston PD headquarters  
A few hours letter  


"I'm sorry Agent Malone, I can't lend you some of my guys. We are working very hard on the O' Doyle's case. Since John had joined us we're focusing on his mob but he is almost everywhere in Boston and we need everybody here. Why don't you ask the FBI in Boston?"

"I can't, Captain McGuire. It remains a little more than eight hours until we can launch any rescue operation. At least any official FBI operation. This is why we are here."

McGuire staid silent, thinking. 

"I see ... Alright. I can find some guys and I'll work personally with you. You can set up in my office if you want. Anything else?" 

"We need to know everything you have about O' Doyle's activity and the cases John was working on." 

McGuire nodded then he motioned them towards his office." 

***  
Boston  
Somewhere, in a warehouse  


Sam woke up first. It took her a few seconds to remember where she was and why. She looked up at John, he was still sleeping albeit not peacefully. He had sweat on his forehead and he was wincing. He must be really suffering. Sam staid into his warm embrace and began to think. They had talked about him last night and she was relieved he had trusted her enough to open up to her. But deep inside her heart she felt guilty. She didn't lie to him ... but she didn't tell him the truth either. She had wanted so many times to tell him she had left Coop, that she had come for him, to see him, to touch him … to bring him back with her. To tell him she needed him as a co-worker, as his best friend ... and maybe something else beyond.

Sam had always suspected John had feelings for her. Real feelings or not was another question. He always hid so well his feelings, using humor as a shield. How to know what was the reality and what was just fun ? Of course she was flattered, even if he was only flirting with her. John was a man of many conquests, of many beautiful conquests. And with her he was all caring and protecting, surely what no one of them ever could have gotten from him. And in a way it would help her tell him how she felt. She was not afraid of telling him. In fact she was, but even more of what might happen if she did. She had thought of Jack of course but he already had to deal with Jack's threat. So afraid of what ? Of loving again ? _'That's ridiculous' _she thought. _'How could I be afraid of loving him ? Love is such a beautiful thing. I want to have a chance with John.'_So why couldn't she tell him ? She had tried but she had failed every time. As a matter of fact, she was afraid for him. The situation was too dangerous and confessing her feelings then would only make him realize even more painfully how much she was in danger. And she knew he would do anything to protect her. Even maybe give his own life. She would never be able to handle it. She was well aware he would do it either he knew or not. But at that moment, all that mattered was to get out of there alive and if to keep the secret a little longer would make it easier for both, then she would wait.

Lost in her thoughts she suddenly felt his body shivering and heard him moan again. She motherly stroke his hair then let her hand wandered on his cheek - his skin so smooth to the touch. She gently called his name. He slightly moved his head nervously. Then he sat straight up in one sudden move, his eyes full of fear. It hurt him and the pain hit him full force. He closed tight his eyes and leaned back against the wall. As he reopened them, the fear had disappeared. They looked at each other a while and John smiled.

"Good morning." 

She put her worry in the back of her mind and smiled too. 

"Good morning John." 

He glanced at his watch. "They must have begun to look for me now." 

"They ? Oh ... yeah ..." She looked down, feeling ill at ease. It was so weird. She was with John but they didn't expect Bailey to come to rescue them. She definitely wanted him back at the VCTF to bring things back to normality.

"John ..." she began but he cut her. 

"Don't worry Sam. Everything's gonna be alright." He tried to sound convinced or hopeful. At least he hoped she would be alright. He had decided to do everything to get her out of this alive. No matter the cost.

They heard the sound of the door lock and stood up. O' Connor and his supposed little brother entered. Then an older man came in. Sam immediately felt John's body tensing up and, staring at the man in front of them, she supposed he was John's father : the same eyes - not the same look though, self-confidence and strength emanating from them. And yet she felt uneasy. John was a caring and warm person, his father seemed to be hard and egoistic. She suddenly had a flash. She could see that man beating up someone, a child. She figured the child was John.

"Hi son." His voice was calm and rough. 

John clenched his jaw. "I'm not your son!" 

"John, you want it or not, you will always be my son." 

"But you're not my father anymore. You stopped being my father years ago." His eyes were challenging his father's. 

Patrick O' Doyle waved his hand. O' Connor stepped just in front of John. "Don't talk to your father like that." Then he hit John in the stomach with his knee. John muffled a shout and his knees began to weak. In pain, he straightened up and looked directly in his father's eyes. 

"At least when I was younger, you had the courage to do it yourself." 

O' Connor hit again and John backed against the wall. Sam was watching, hurting. John's anger and pain were obvious but he was doing everything he could to hide them. Looking at his father, she could see anger and disgust increasing in his eyes. They were both so stubborn and proud.

Patrick O' Doyle slid his gaze on Sam. "Dr Samantha Waters I presume ?" She widened her eyes in surprise then nodded. "I'm sorry for that" he continued.

John snorted. "Sorry? You don't even know what it means." 

O' Connor was about to his again but O' Doyle held up one hand and O' Connor stepped back. 

"What a generous man you are." 

"Don't push me too far John, or your friend might ..." John cut him. 

"Don't even think of that!" He shouted, pointing his finger at Sam. His anger was about to burst but he tried to calm down. "Let her go."

Sam tilted up her head in surprise. 

"You wanted me? I'm here. She has nothing to do with our business and you know that." He paused. "Let her go." 

Sam shook her head negatively, locking her eyes with his. John didn't hold her gaze and slid his on his father, waiting for his answer. The silence seems to last an eternity. 

"Alright. Contrary to what my son thinks, I am not a barbaric man. Particularly when women are concerned." 

John closed his eyes tightly, thinking about his mother. 

Sam couldn't believe John was doing this. Exactly what she had feared he might do. And she was aware that, to let him there alone was like executing him. Tears began to fill her eyes. Then she remembered the little ship George had given her. It was still in the pocket of her jacket. She was supposed to have it fixed behind her brooch so that she could be traced in case of an emergency. She kicked herself for not having remembered sooner. 

O' Doyle prodded her to stand up and lead her toward the door. John's eyes were following her. Just in front of him, she stopped. Their eyes locked and she hurried toward him. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately, deeply. John was first surprised but soon he held her tight and close and let himself sink into the pleasure of the embrace, of her kiss. It was the second time. He really could get used to it. Sam took advantage of the situation and slowly slid down her hand along his back, then discretely she put the ship in the back pocket of his jeans. 

He broke the kiss and hugged her tightly one last time. He was not sure he would see her again. He closed his eyes, breathed deeply then let her go. He kept his eyes closed until he heard the sound of the door shut. He didn't want her to see his pain and his worry.

***  


Sam was wearing a blindfold. She could guess she was in the back of a van when it stopped. Nothing. Suddenly the door opened and a man grabbed her arm to pull her out of the van. She could hear the other guys around them and get into the van. The other was still beside her. He made her sit down on the floor then threw her purse into her lap.

"Here's your purse. Right now, my gun is aimed at your head. Count to 20 after we left and then you can take off the blindfold."

She heard the van starting up. She waited a few seconds then stood up and took off the blind fold. The bright light of the day hit her like a brick wall. Once accustomed to the sunlight, she looked around. She was totally lost. Looking down she spotted her purse and realized she had her cell phone. She grabbed the purse, turned it inside out and took her phone. She slipped it on and hit the VCTF number, anxious to hear Bailey's voice. 

"Malone." She sighed in relief. 

"Bailey, it's me, Sam." 

"Sam! Good God. Are you okay? Where are you?" 

"I'm fine Bailey. But I'm worried about John. Bailey ... I think they are going to kill him ..." 

Bailey cut her. "Sam, where are you?" 

She walked up to the entry of the street. "Uh ... I'm near a stadium ... at the corner of McDonald and Westford. Call the Boston PD Bailey, we don't have much time. John doesn't have much time."

"We are in Boston Sam, George and I will be there in a minute." 

"George's with you? Oh thank God! Bailey, do you remember the ship he gave me? I put it in John's pocket." 

"Okay, I tell George. Don't move, we're on our way." 

***  


John and his father were alone in the room, staring at each other. The tension between the two men could be felt. O' Doyle broke the silence, his voice sounded even harsher.

"You've made a terrible mistake Johnny. And you know that." 

John laughed bitterly, a little and quick laugh. O' Doyle carried on. 

"You thought because you're my son I would have left you alone?" 

"Oh no. I hoped you would do what you just did. I hoped you would give me the opportunity to ..." 

"To do what Johnny? To kill me? To revenge?" They stared at each other in silence. "Don't make me laugh Johnny. You wouldn't be able to kill your father." O' Doyle was wearing a sadistic smile on his lips while speaking. "You're too weak."

John's smile faded as he clenched his jaw in anger. He looked coldly in his father's eyes. 

"I'm not a scared little boy anymore. You don't know me." 

Silence fell again between them, they were still staring at each other. John had kept his hands on his hips and his gaze was intensely focused on his father, on his every move. O' Doyle watched him thoroughly. His behavior, his gaze … John was right. He was not a scared little boy anymore. O' Doyle couldn't see any sign of fear or submission in John's eyes. They were full of anger and resolve.

O' Doyle began to pace in front of John, looking straight ahead. 

"Johnny, Let's finish this quickly. You come back to Boston, you arrest my guys, you challenge me ... What's next? Come on, Johnny, what do you know exactly?"

He slowly looked up to find John's eyes. 

"I know you killed my mother and I know I'll prove it one day. I also know I won't get out of here alive so don't expect me to tell you everything I know. I am not stupid."

O' Doyle's mouth tightened. John was so stubborn. He had always been and he had always hated that. He stepped to stand in front of him and prepared his hand to hit. But John didn't move, not even his eyes flickered in fear so O' Doyle gave up and lowered his hand.

"Why don't you kill me right now? We are alone in this room …" 

John smiled. "As I said, I'm not stupid. Your goons are everywhere and I know at every suspect noise they would rush here to kill me. I could try, I'm a dead man anyway, but I am not sure I would have enough time to kill you before I die."

As O' Doyle didn't speak, John carried on. "But now that you know I won't tell you anything, why don't *you* kill me right now?" 

O' Doyle remained silent an instant. "it is not my job Johnny. I don't kill anyone. I pay people to do that. This is the reason why you will never be able to prove I killed my wife."

"She was my mother. She stopped being your wife the day you beat her for the first time." John shouted in anger. 

Suddenly the door opened and O' Connor's brother entered, alerted by the shouts. He aimed his gun at John. "Don't move, bastard!" 

***  


Bailey, George and the Boston PD came as quick as they could to find Sam pacing back and forth. Bailey ran toward her and hugged her in relief.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, gently stroking her hair. 

"I will be when John is out of there. Did you find him?" 

They reached together the van where George was working. 

"What's up George?" Bailey asked. 

"They have a system to jam the waves the ship transmits. I am using a brand new program who should be able to pick up the signal in a few minutes." George explained at Sam. 

She turned to Bailey. "We don't have much time Bailey. They'll kill him if we don't rescue him now!" 

Bailey had never seen Sam so nervous. Her eyes were constantly filled with tears and she couldn't stop pacing again and again. 

"It's okay Sam, we'll find him. Why don't you tell me what has exactly happened there? We'll see the rest later." He said, grinning. 

"They wanted John to tell them all he knows about O' Doyle's business, what he would do next ..." she paused, closing her eyes, "They beat him pretty roughly but he didn't say anything. They wanted to use me to force him to talk but he begged for my releasing." Tears were about to roll down her cheeks and she sighed deeply to hold them back. "O' Connor, O' Doyle's right arm, has two brothers. John killed one of them two years ago and now, he and his little brother don't dream of anything else but revenge, but to kill John."

Sam could see the worry building in bailey's eyes too when George shouted. 

"I've found him! He's in a warehouse, two miles east from here." 

"Okay, let's go now ! McGuire, call for back up there. We don't have anymore time." 

The van revved up and headed towards the warehouse, all sirens and lights on. 

Sam just hoped it was not too late. She would never forgive herself for not having the time to tell him all she wanted to say. She had already wasted too much time. She silently prayed God to let her the time, to let her one last chance.

***  
Somewhere in Boston  
In a warehouse, two miles from Bailey, George and Sam  


John looked at O' Connor's brother coldly: he was nervous, angry and scared at the same time. Then he stared at his father again. 

"First time, right? His initiation?" 

O' Doyle didn't answer. John's gaze slid another time on O' Connor's brother. 

"Are you sure you'll be able to pull the trigger? It's not so easy you know, even anger …" John couldn't finish. 

"Shut up!" He was more and more nervous. "You're the one I've hated most for years. Every second of my life I saw you dead." 

"So do it!" John shouted as he put up his hands and faced him. "Do it! Shoot!" He challenged him. "Don't wait or you won't be able any more." He paused. "All the Boston PD is now looking for me, and they know all too well where watching."

John was scared the hell out of him and he knew that this argument wouldn't have much weight in his decision. But the growing nervousness and anger of O' Connor's brother was not a good thing. And he was himself in such a great pain, just to remain standing required enormous efforts and caused so much pain. This had to stop soon, in a way or another. Maybe if he was shot or killed he could forget the pain.

***  
They were all gathered in front of the warehouse, giving the last instructions to the cops before entering. 

"George, how are the things going with the alarm?" Bailey asked through his microphone. 

"Uh ... There is sort of a problem. Just a few more minutes ..." 

Bailey cut him. "We don't have anymore time. Forget the alarm and guide us inside. Let's go!" 

They opened the door and the sound of the alarm screaming filled the air. 

***  


Just as John stopped talking, they heard the alarm screaming and shouts coming from somewhere outside the building. O' Doyle leaned slowly toward the door ready to vanish. John moved, intending to stop him but O' Connor's brother forced him to freeze.

"You coward! Take your responsibilities and stay here, face me. So easy to let a young boy get caught. " He added in anger. 

O' Doyle didn't even bother to turn his head. "See you in hell, Johnny Boy." He said coldly as he was leaving the room. 

John watched him leave then turn his eyes upon O' Connor's brother. His look was still full of anger and fear and he could see the hand holding the gun slightly shaking. Maybe he could play with that, use it at his advantage. He decided he could try.

"Don't you see? He's using you. You wanna kill me? Do it now or else you'll spend the rest of your life behind bars. Is that your revenge? Come on, open your eyes!" John spoke loudly hoping he could shake him and make him realize his mistake.

_'Make us be proud of you ... Proud of you.' _His brother's words were turning inside his head while John was speaking. 

"Shut up!" He shouted one last time as he pulled the trigger. 

The shot rang and echoed in the whole building. 

Everybody in there heard it and Sam became crazy. 

"John !!" She shouted before beginning to run but Bailey stopped her with his arm. 

"Sam, no, it's too dangerous. George, where is he exactly?" 

"Second corridor on your right ... third door on the left." 

John felt the pain growing, stronger and stronger, as he slowly sank to the floor, on his back. He closed his eyes and tried to forget his whole aching body. He even prayed for death so that the pain would be gone.

O' Connor's brother watched John falling, never leaving his gaze. His right arm was still stretched out, holding its grip onto the gun tightly. His ears were buzzing, he was excited, relieved and still afraid. He stayed stunned a while then he suddenly stepped out of his stupor and fled running through the still open door.

John could hear shouts coming from somewhere inside the warehouse. They seemed to be so far away. He believed he recognized Bailey's voice but he couldn't be there. He felt he was about to lose the fight. The pain was so strong and he was alone - he thought. He decided to let it come and tried to relax. His last thoughts, he wanted them to be about his mother he wouldn't have the time to revenge, about the VCTF and his friends but especially about Sam. Sam ... His mere recalling caused a sting in his heart almost huger than the harm done before. He wanted to scream, to be released. 

When they finally reached the room, Sam rushed inside despite Bailey's warnings. She couldn't hear anymore anyone or anything but her heart. And it was ready to explode. It told her to hurry. When she saw John lying, his blood spread on his shirt and on the floor around him, she urged at his side and kneeled carefully. At first she didn't dare to touch him. But she had to know. She had to feel if he was still alive. She reached out with her hand to check his pulse.

John was trying to focus on his thoughts when he felt something touching his throat. The gentle move involuntarily jerked his eyes open and he saw Sam's face bent over him. He let himself drown into her beautiful blue eyes, full of concern and compassion. He thought that time he really was dead and she really was his angel.

She softly called his name with a cracking voice. "John" Her eyes began to fill up with tears when she could see the deep blue of his eyes again. 

"John?" She repeated as she cupped his right cheek with her hand, gently ruffling his hair with the other. 

He needed a few more seconds to realize he was not - yet - dead and that Sam was indeed beside him. Her warm eyes full of tears tore up his heart deeper, even more as he acknowledged it was because of him. All he wanted was to hold her tight to comfort her. But he only could whisper her name, hoping she would hear in his voice his worry, his apologies and his love.

"Sam ..." 

She couldn't hold back her tears any longer when she heard his voice again. She put a finger on his mouth. "Shh … Don't talk. Paramedics are on their way." While speaking, she circled his cheek with her thumb. "Don't leave me John."

He felt weaker and weaker and the warmth of her hand on his cheek seemed to put away his pain. He was so peaceful. He moved further into the touch and closed his eyes. He felt somewhat ready and let unconsciousness get over him.

"John!" She shouted. And she broke down, allowing the tears to roll down her cheeks one after the other in a constant flow. Her heart was wrapped in fear. And the paramedics pulling her away to take care of him didn't change the way she felt.

Bailey had stayed in the doorway and watched calmly the scene. His own concern was growing, for John of course but also for Sam. She had already lost Tom, he was not sure she would be able to handle John's loss too. He swallowed hard the lump in his throat then walked up to Sam. He hugged her tightly as the paramedics took John out of the room then he lead her outside.

**End of part three**

  



	4. Here

**Part four**  


  
***  
_  
/.../  
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain  
Now you've decided to show me the same  
No sweeping exits or offstage lines  
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind  
  
Wild horses couldn't drag me away  
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away  
/.../  
_

The Sundays, 'Wild Horses', lyrics and music by M. Jagger and K. Richards  


***  
Boston, General Hospital  
The day after, room # 132  


Sam awoke slowly in the room, still in the same chair beside John's bed. She blinked a few times then focused on his form, listening to the steady rhythm of his breath. It seemed to have the ability to bring some peace to her mind. He seemed so vulnerable. She gently took his hand in hers and thanked God he was still alive. Alive. She wanted so much to see his eyes, to hear his voice. To be sure everything would be alright. She wanted even more to talk to him. After all they had been through, all he had done for her, she believed he deserved to know the truth. 

Nervously his head moved and his hand squeezed hers. Still holding his hand, she stroked gently his hair with the other and called him softly.

"John? I'm here. Open your eyes." 

His eyelids fluttered and he turned slightly his head toward her. Slowly he opened his eyes. At the sight of the deep blue of his eyes Sam couldn't hold back a smile, of happiness, of relief. Their gaze locked, he whispered:

"Tell me ..." 

"What?" she asked, leaning closer. 

"If you're not an angel, then you have a special contract with Him, uh?" 

That brought an even larger smile on her lips and she let escape a little laughter. God, how much he had missed that laugh and that smile … and that face. He had missed his angel.

"No, I don't have a special contract with him. I have one with you." She whispered back. 

"That's nice too." He answered with a hint of a smile. 

They intensely stared at each other for a moment. 

"How are you Sam?" He asked, gently squeezing her hand, still in his. 

She tilted her head in surprise. Sometimes he had the same ability as she had to read people's mind. 

"I'm fine John. That is you I should ask to." 

He smiled. "I'm alright Sam. Don't worry." He was rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb while speaking. "A chance he was not a marksman. It will heal soon. I'll be out of here tomorrow anyway."

"I've already figured that." She said. 

An awkward silence fell between them. She took her hand out of his. Her heartbeat fastened. She had to ask. She needed to.

"But where will you be?" He looked at her in wonder. "Out of here, but where?" 

His worry increased. He was afraid to understand but he also had to be careful. "What do you mean Sam?"

She breathed in slowly, deeply before explaining. "Will you be back at the VCTF, will you be back with us ... or will you stay here ... in Boston?" She added hesitantly. She could hear her own voice shaking.

He closed his eyes to avoid her questioning look. "Sam, you know I can't." 

"Yes you can John. Of course you can ... if you decide to do so." Sam felt tears welling up again. "John I ..."

He cut her. "No, Sam. No." He sighed then winced from the pain. "Sam. There's something I have to tell you. It's not easy so I would like you to let me go through this. I told you why I came here. There's another reason you don't know about." He paused. "This reason is you."

Sam stared at him, stunned. He was looking at the ceiling, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold her gaze while explaining what he was about to get out of his heart.

"I fell in love with you the second I saw you. I didn't understand who you were, why you were here but I did know you already were in my heart. I felt your strength and your pain and your efforts to hide it. I decided that day I would do anything for you if it could make your life at least a little easier, knowing I would never be able to bring happiness into your life."

Sam looked away at the memory of the first day they met. John still couldn't look at her. 

"I wanted more than anything else to protect you, I would have given my life for you. The thing is I still would. Through all those days I watched you suffer without being able to stop it. It hurt me twice as much as it hurt you because ... if it hurts to see you every day because I love you like I never did, it hurts even more to see you suffer. And when Coop entered your life, he also entered mine and suddenly everything shattered again. He was there for you, to do what I promised myself to do. Of course it hurt me like hell to see you together every minute of every day of every week. It still hurts. The most difficult was when I realized you didn't need me anymore. I even realized maybe you never needed me, that I was fooling myself. This is how I got here. I thought it would make it easier, less painful to stay away from you and to help healing old wounds."

Sam remained silent a few seconds. A deafening silence. She finally spoke. 

"Coop is gone." John closed his eyes. "He left because I was coming here to see you. I ... I miss you John. I need you." She seemed to slightly hesitate then she added, " How do you think you will protect me if you stay in Boston?"

"You don't understand. Sam ..." 

"Understand what?" She cut him. 

"That I do protect you by staying here, by keeping you away from me. See what happened, I can't protect you while you're here as I couldn't protect my mother from him. You have enough things to handle, coming back would mean add another threat. And that, I can't do it. I will never forgive me for what happened these last two days. As I will never forgive me if anything happens to you because of me. It already hurts to see you suffer, I couldn't stand to see you suffer or risk your life knowing it is because of me. Not if I can do something against it. And I can. By staying away from you."

"So you would give your life to save mine, but I can't return the favor? You don't want my opinion on that? You decided for me, you're the man, you're strong, and I only am a woman. You decide. You said you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but you exactly did. I thought I was wrong, I thought you were different."

John couldn't believe what he heard. She couldn't see his fist, his knuckles were turning white so much he tried to hide his pain. He had to say something, he had to make her understand.

"Sam ..." 

"No John. You said what you had to say now let me do the same. I ... I love you John. I came here full of doubts and I wanted answers. I finally acknowledged my love. And all you find to tell me is that we can't be together? That you don't want me to take that risk? What if I'm willing to?"

"I wouldn't let you do it." He answered blankly. 

Sam burst. "My God, John, how egoistic are you? And how do you think you'll do to prevent me from loving you?" 

The more she was shouting, the more the wound inside his heart was deepening. He tried as much as he could to hide his emotions. 

"I know I can't. But I do know I can protect you from the consequences. Don't underestimate me Sam." 

Sam threw her hands up in exasperation and headed toward the window. She was still staring outside when Bailey entered the room. 

"Hey, John. Happy to have you back." Sam snorted at his words and it earned her a strange look from him. John was still expressionless. 

Bailey turned to Sam, still looking at her strangely then spoke. 

"There has been another murder in Atlanta, we have to go back as soon as possible. We leave in two hours." 

"I call Angel and Chloe." Then she left the room without another word nor a look. 

Bailey watched her leave. _'Something's wrong' _he thought. He turned toward John when he heard him speak. 

"Bailey, thank you. There's a great chance we wouldn't have this conversation now without you guys coming. And thank George too." 

"I will. I take it you don't intend to come back to Atlanta with us?" 

"I can't Bailey. Not anymore now anyway. Particularly after what happened." 

"You know Coop is gone." John simply nodded. "New assignment in Colombia." 

"I didn't know he was gone to Colombia but Sam did tell me he left." 

Bailey tried to read John's mind but in vain. Something was obviously bothering him but he couldn't figure out what it was. He thought Coop's leaving would have helped him to come back.

"That means we have an empty chair at the command center and that we still are understaffed." 

"I told you Bailey, I can't." 

"If you change your mind, you know you will always be welcome." 

John nodded again. A nurse knocked on the door then entered. 

"I'm sorry but the visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock if you want." 

"Tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock I'll be out of here." John cracked. 

Bailey smiled, it reminded him of the Jaguar case. Sam had stayed with him all the time and John was back at work the day after. Bailey had seen the first signs of something between his two best agents even then. And yet this time was different. Bailey turned to leave but he turned back to John one last time.

"Is your little talk with Sam the reason of her mood ?" 

"I think you should ask her." 

***  
Two weeks later, Boston   
John's apartment, 10:00 pm  


Like every night for two weeks John had come back to his apartment, slamming the door in anger and frustration. Two weeks had passed and it seemed the O' Doyle's clan had vanished. And it was getting on John's nerves.

He fell on his couch without bothering to turn on the lights nor taking off his jacket. He stayed there, looking outside through the window. He was at a loss. He came to Boston to run away and to revenge but he had failed miserably. His father had managed to escape and he had threatened Sam's life. His father cost him the only two women he truly loved. His mother was dead because he couldn't protect her. Sam was alive but by protecting her he had lost her. 

Sam. It still hurt so much to think about her, to think about what she had said in the hospital. Only God knows how hard he had swallowed his pride and his pain that day. He finally stood up and took off his jacket, then he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and poured some in a glass. He leaned against the window, stared at the brown liquid. He wondered if he had been right. He still couldn't believe she told him she loved him. That called everything into question. In a way, it hurt even more to know she loved him because he also knew he couldn't take the risk. He knew from the beginning he shouldn't have let his feelings grow as they did but then it seemed impossible that she could love him too. No. He couldn't take the risk to allow him to love her. He had taken the right decision. Egoistic, maybe. For Sam's sake, once in his life, he would be egoistic if it could save her.

***  
Atlanta, VCTF Headquarters  


Bailey had not mentioned to Sam her talk with John in the hospital. When they left Boston, everything had seemed to be back to a certain kind of normality so he thought that was not necessary. He could wait for her to talk to him about this if she wanted to. There was no normality in the life of VCTF agents. He should have known better. A few days after their coming back to Atlanta, Bailey could easily see something was wrong with Sam. She was like … faraway. Her body was there but her mind seemed to be miles away. Nothing really surprising, Sam was often lost in her thoughts. That wouldn't have bothered Bailey if it had not had effects on her work. She was enable to focus on the cases they were working on, her profiles were approximate, she seemed to have lost her gift. She was blind. Her mind was blind and numb. It was a real problem since Coop had left. They were still understaffed, the number of cases was increasing and Sam did not help to solve them.

Of course Bailey had his idea about it. As Sam did not talk to him, he had to confront her with it. One day, after the briefing, Sam retreated back to her office. Bailey gave his last instructions then he made his way to her office. Her head was bowed over a file but he could tell she was not thinking about the case. He knocked softly on her door and came in. She snapped up her head at the noise then smiled at him.

"Sam, can I talk to you a minute." He sat on her couch. 

Sam watched him warily, well aware of what he wanted to talk about. She finally stood up and joined him on the couch. She spoke first as she sat.

"I know what you want to talk about Bailey. I'm sorry, I realize I am not a very great help right now, I can't focus on my work. I just need some time. I'm fine."

Bailey took her hand and obliged her to look at him in the eyes. 

"I know you're fine Sam. You always are. What I do want to know is why you can't focus. I want you to talk to me, to let me help you."

She remained silent, looking down at the carpet. 

"Sam, please. Is it because of John? What happened in the hospital?" 

She sighed, feeling the tears coming back, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. 

"I'm lost Bailey. I'm not sure of anything anymore. You know, I had my life back until Jack killed Tom. I managed to live as decently as I could with Chloe then Jack hit again. And I met John, George and Grace. It had been hard but I was definitely no longer alone. Then I met Coop and I felt like I could love again and yet ... I was missing something, I was refusing the obvious." She paused and tried to swallow to keep the tears away.

"When John left, I had the feeling I had to build everything again, that suddenly my reality was a blur. From this obscurity came one bright realization: I needed him, more than anyone else. More than Coop. I still need him. I believe I even acknowledged I love him. I love John, Bailey. After what happened to both of us, I was afraid I would never have the chance to tell him how much I owe him ... how much I love him." She added in a whisper while the tears finally found their way down her cheeks.

Bailey put his arm around her shoulders. 

"In the hospital, I wanted to tell him all these things I had kept too long in my heart. But he didn't let me and instead he told me why he had left. HE told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to protect me, whatever the cost. Ah ... he told me the only way was to keep me away from him. I ... I tried to ... I said I loved him but I'm not sure he really understood I really meant it. He is so protective and stubborn. And like an idiot I became mad and I yelled at him, telling him he was an egoist, that he didn't have the right to decide for me. Now that I think about it, I realize how hard it must have been for him to watch me suffer, to watch me unconsciously rejecting him, to see me with Coop ... and to see me in danger there. I also know John is far from being egoistic ... God, he is the most dedicated person I've happened to know. I hurt him so much I am afraid I might have lost him forever."

As soon as she finished her sentence she burst into tears and she let herself breakdown on Bailey's shoulder. He was relieved she confessed to him and he hoped she would feel a little better, he hoped he had helped her lift a piece of her burden. He also knew there was only one thing that could have some effect on her. John's coming back. But unless John decided to, Bailey couldn't do anything. 

***  


Two more weeks passed and things haven't really changed. John and Sam still spent their nights looking through the window, beyond the horizon line, thinking about each other.

John couldn't help feeling guilty and miserable. The memory of what happened was too recent and strong. Guilt was eating him up inside but even stronger he couldn't accept his failure and his confession. He had not intended to tell her. He knew that, in addition, to the distance, it would complicate their relationship and it would hurt. And yet he had done it. She had not had the reaction he had expected though. He had assumed she wouldn't be happy or she would reject him. Instead she had told him she loved him. And then she had yelled at him. He had known many women, Sam definitely was different ... in many ways. Her words still had their effect a month later. If his shoulder and his ribs had healed, his heart was still aching. He feared it might never stop. The separation obviously did not prevent him from thinking about her, from loving her. Knowing she loved him too was not helping. Guilt, sadness and doubt were perpetually fighting inside his soul. _'What if I had taken the wrong decision? No, this couldn't be the wrong decision.' _Yes it was. He was slowly realizing he couldn't do anything from here. Sam was still in danger as it seemed his father had left Boston. How would he protect her? He was far away from her, and alone. If he came back to Atlanta, he would be able to, and he would have the support of everyone at the VCTF. And maybe he and Sam would have a second chance. He also knew he couldn't give up harassing his father. This situation was driving him crazy, he had to find a way to take back control over his own life.

  
The feelings were shared. Sam felt terribly guilty and miserable about the hospital scene. More than anything else she was ashamed of herself. She still couldn't believe she had yelled at him and that she had said he was an egoist. Over the months they had known each other, Sam had quickly learnt John was the most devoted and strong man she had ever met. In a way she admired him. This man she respected and she trusted, this man had confessed his love for her. This man was ready to give his own life for her. While his only motivation was her safety, she had hurt him badly. And she didn't know what to do to repair. Was there a solution? She hardly could look at herself in a mirror, she was not sure she would ever be able to face him again. She wanted hard to see him again but she was so much scared of his reaction._ 'I can't let it happen without reacting. I have to deal with my mistakes and try to move on.'_ Maybe the best way to move on was another trip to Boston and a long talk during which she would say all she needed to say, to explain.

***  
Atlanta, VCTF headquarters  
9:00 am, command center  


The day began like any other day. George, Grace, Sam and Bailey gathered in the command center to attend the usual briefing. Each one took his respective seat and, once again, Sam stared at John's empty seat. That had become sort of a ritual. George put on the screen the pictures of their new case while Bailey was filling them with the latest details. Grace gave her conclusions and Sam assessed the first lines of her profile.

Bailey was pacing in front of the main desk, his head buried in a file. As he was going back to his seat, he looked up just in time to see John approaching in the lobby.

"John!" 

At his name, all heads turned to look at him. He walked down, a little uneasily, the few stairs leading to the command center to meet Bailey.

"Hi Bailey." They shook their hands then Bailey pull him in a quick hug. 

"Welcome back John. This time tell me you stay." They smiled. 

"I can see my seat is waiting for me. I'd be crazy to refuse. But we need to talk seriously." 

"Alright. Come to my office later this day. It's good to have you back." 

"Thanks." 

George shook John's hand and Grace gave him a big hug. Watching his face, she noticed the stitches above his left eye. 

"John ... You can't help playing with bigger than you, can't you?! After that, don't complain if I am mothering you!" 

"Hey! I never complain!" She gave him a disbelieving look. 

"Alright ... sometimes." They laughed. 

"I missed you John." John simply nodded. 

In the corner of his eye he saw Sam standing up. To come toward him or to leave, he didn't know and he was afraid she might decide to leave. He didn't know what to do either. As she went closer to him, he moved slowly toward her. He was unable to think of something to say and he could barely meet her gaze.

"Sam ..." was all he managed. Finally their eyes locked and suddenly Sam hugged him tight. John closed his eyes and sighed. He was happy and relieved she didn't reject him. He returned the embrace, strong but gentle. His heart was pounding, it felt so good. He leaned down his head, just near her ear.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered. Sam didn't move. She kept her eyes closed but she already could feel the tears welling up. She filled her heart and her soul with his scent, his warmth, his voice. 

"I'm sorry I hurt you that day. I didn't mean to, you know All I wanted was to protect you. I really thought the best solution was to stay away from you. But the last month told me that to live faraway from you, without seeing you or talking to you was harder than anything else. And I realized that the only way to protect you was by staying by your side. If you allow me, I will never let anyone or anything hurt you as long as I live. Because I love you Sam."

He took her face in his both hands and looked directly in her wet eyes. 

"You hear me ? I love you Sam. I can't take it back and I no longer can act as if I didn't." He said solemnly while wiping the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Smiling, she put a finger on his mouth then caressed his face. 

"I don't ask you to. Because I love you." John closed his eyes, he could hardly believe that was really happening. "I love you John. I want us to have a chance."

When he reopened his eyes, he was struck by the light in her look. And it was not due to the tears. It was love. A mirroring light was in his eyes.

They smiled at each other then kissed her tenderly, almost melting in each other under the cheers of their friends.

***  


_/.../  
There were roads I never traveled  
There were turns I did not take  
There were mysteries that I left unraveled  
But leaving you was my only mistake  
/.../  
_

Calvin RUSSEL, 'Crossroads', Sounds of the fourth world.  


***  


**The End**

  
Back to the archive Home 


End file.
